Mark Twain for President
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Campaign Appearances
Planters Barn Theater
Summer Schedule June 7 to August 2, 2008
Daily shows Sunday to Friday at 5 pm, Saturday at 9 pm
Mark Twain Himself for President comes to you from the Planters
Barn Theater of Hannibal, Missouri. This acclaimed theater show
Mark Twain Himself plays each summer in Hannibal's Planters Barn
Theater. Veteran stage actor Richard Garey brings Mark Twain for
President to life. Take a look at the platform. Twain's wit and wisdom
on politics is still fresh and relevant.
Why not book a show or campaign appearance in your community?
Bookings available coast to coast. Why not visit Mark Twain's
America in Hannibal, Missouri?
Planters Barn Theater
Summer Schedule June 7 to August 2, 2008
Daily shows Sunday to Friday at 5 pm, Saturday at 9 pm
Mark Twain Himself for President comes to you from the Planters
Barn Theater of Hannibal, Missouri. This acclaimed theater show
Mark Twain Himself plays each summer in Hannibal's Planters Barn
Theater. Veteran stage actor Richard Garey brings Mark Twain for
President to life. Take a look at the platform. Twain's wit and wisdom
on politics is still fresh and relevant.
Why not book a show or campaign appearance in your community?
Bookings available coast to coast. Why not visit Mark Twain's
America in Hannibal, Missouri?
| Mark Twain Quote of the Week “If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.”- Mark Twain Autobiography (January 23, 1906) |
TO ALL AMERICANS
I wish to run on the Truth Party. Wouldn't that be refreshing
in Washington? Always tell the truth; it will amaze your
friends and confound your enemies. No party holds the
privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party
is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any
valuable difference between a monarchist and an American,
it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself
what is patriotic and what isn't. I claim the difference. I am
the only person in the sixty millions that is privileged to
dictate my patriotism. I had been accustomed to vote for
Republicans more frequently than for Democrats, but I was
never a Republican and never a Democrat. I owe my
allegiance to country and to the Constitution of the United
States. -Mark Twain
I wish to run on the Truth Party. Wouldn't that be refreshing
in Washington? Always tell the truth; it will amaze your
friends and confound your enemies. No party holds the
privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party
is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any
valuable difference between a monarchist and an American,
it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself
what is patriotic and what isn't. I claim the difference. I am
the only person in the sixty millions that is privileged to
dictate my patriotism. I had been accustomed to vote for
Republicans more frequently than for Democrats, but I was
never a Republican and never a Democrat. I owe my
allegiance to country and to the Constitution of the United
States. -Mark Twain
Resume Samuel L. Clemens ( Mark Twain)
Riverboat Pilot
Author
Publisher
Lecturer
Humorist
Silver and Gold Miner
Newspaper Reporter
Soldier
Inventor
Riverboat Pilot
Author
Publisher
Lecturer
Humorist
Silver and Gold Miner
Newspaper Reporter
Soldier
Inventor
PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM
Truth
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us
economize it. -Following the Equator
When in doubt, tell the truth. -Pudd'nhead
Wilson's New Calendar
The reason we hold truth in such respect is
because we have so little opportunity to get
familiar with it. -Notebook, 1898
Supreme Court
I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so
and so, because he is a Democrat - and this one
so and so because he is a Republican. It is
shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for
their guidance; they have no right to any politics
save the politics of rigid right and justice when
they are sitting in judgment upon the great
matters that come before them. -letter to San
Francisco Alta California, February 18, 1868
Statesmanship
If we had less statesmanship, we would get along
with fewer battleships. -Notebook, 1905
Get the formalities right, never mind about the
moralities. -Following the Equator
Slavery
Man is the only Slave. And he is the only animal
who enslaves. He has always been a slave in one
form or another, and has always held other slaves
in bondage under him in one way or another. In
our day he is always some man's slave for wages,
and does that man's work; and this slave has
slaves under him for minor wages, and they do
his work. The higher animals are the only ones
who do their own work and provide their own
living. The skin of every human being contains a
slave.-Notebook, 1904
Senators
Senator: a person who makes laws in Washington
when not doing time. -More Maxims
We have lately sent a United States Senator to
the penitentiary, but I am quite well aware that of
those who have escaped this promotion there are
several who are in some regards guiltless of
crime--not guiltless of all crimes, for that cannot
be said of any United States Senator. I think, but
guiltless of some kinds of crime. -Mark Twain in
Eruption
Rights
With us no individual is born with a right to look
down upon his neighbor and hold him in contempt.
Reform
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's
habits. -Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
Every time I reform in one direction, I go
overboard in another. -quoted in Sacramento
Union, 1866
You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him
and only waiting. -More Maxims of Mark
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the
majority, it is time to reform. -Notebook, 1904
Politicians
No matter how healthy a man's morals may be
when he enters the White House, he comes out
again with a pot-marked soul. -quoted in My
Father Mark Twain, Clara Clemens
History has tried hard to teach us that we can't
have good government under politicians. Now, to
go and stick one at the very head of the
government couldn't be wise. -New York Herald,
August 26, 1876
Freedom of Speech
In America--as elsewhere--free speech is
confined to the dead. -Notebook, 1904
It is a free press . . . There are laws to protect the
freedom of the press's speech, but none that are
worth anything to protect the people from the
press.-License of the Press Speech.
Freedom of the Press
. .the liberty of the Press is called the Palladium of
Freedom, which means, in these days, the liberty
of being deceived, swindled, and humbugged by
the Press and paying hugely for the deception.
-From Author's Sketch Book
Freedom
It is by the goodness of God that in our country
we have those three unspeakably precious
things: of speech, freedom of speech, freedom of
conscience and the prudence never to practice
either. -Following the Equator
Citizenship
. . .every citizen of the republic ought to consider
himself an unofficial policeman, and keep
unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their
execution. -Traveling With a Reformer
Citizenship should be placed above everything
else, even learning. Is there in any college of the
land a chair of citizenship where good citizenship
and all that it implies is taught? There is not
one--that is, not one where sane citizenship is
taught. There are some which teach insane
citizenship, bastard citizenship, but that is all.
-Speech, May 14, 1908
Imperialism
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having
the eagle put its talons on any other land. -quoted
in A Pen Warmed Up in Hell
Congress
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a
Congressman can. -What is Man?
. . .the smallest minds and the selfishest souls
and the cowardliest hearts that God makes.
-Letter, 1891
I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing
my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was
nothing but a low, mean, premature,
Congressman. -Foster's Case New York Tribune,
March 10, 1873
Truth
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us
economize it. -Following the Equator
When in doubt, tell the truth. -Pudd'nhead
Wilson's New Calendar
The reason we hold truth in such respect is
because we have so little opportunity to get
familiar with it. -Notebook, 1898
Supreme Court
I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so
and so, because he is a Democrat - and this one
so and so because he is a Republican. It is
shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for
their guidance; they have no right to any politics
save the politics of rigid right and justice when
they are sitting in judgment upon the great
matters that come before them. -letter to San
Francisco Alta California, February 18, 1868
Statesmanship
If we had less statesmanship, we would get along
with fewer battleships. -Notebook, 1905
Get the formalities right, never mind about the
moralities. -Following the Equator
Slavery
Man is the only Slave. And he is the only animal
who enslaves. He has always been a slave in one
form or another, and has always held other slaves
in bondage under him in one way or another. In
our day he is always some man's slave for wages,
and does that man's work; and this slave has
slaves under him for minor wages, and they do
his work. The higher animals are the only ones
who do their own work and provide their own
living. The skin of every human being contains a
slave.-Notebook, 1904
Senators
Senator: a person who makes laws in Washington
when not doing time. -More Maxims
We have lately sent a United States Senator to
the penitentiary, but I am quite well aware that of
those who have escaped this promotion there are
several who are in some regards guiltless of
crime--not guiltless of all crimes, for that cannot
be said of any United States Senator. I think, but
guiltless of some kinds of crime. -Mark Twain in
Eruption
Rights
With us no individual is born with a right to look
down upon his neighbor and hold him in contempt.
Reform
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's
habits. -Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
Every time I reform in one direction, I go
overboard in another. -quoted in Sacramento
Union, 1866
You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him
and only waiting. -More Maxims of Mark
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the
majority, it is time to reform. -Notebook, 1904
Politicians
No matter how healthy a man's morals may be
when he enters the White House, he comes out
again with a pot-marked soul. -quoted in My
Father Mark Twain, Clara Clemens
History has tried hard to teach us that we can't
have good government under politicians. Now, to
go and stick one at the very head of the
government couldn't be wise. -New York Herald,
August 26, 1876
Freedom of Speech
In America--as elsewhere--free speech is
confined to the dead. -Notebook, 1904
It is a free press . . . There are laws to protect the
freedom of the press's speech, but none that are
worth anything to protect the people from the
press.-License of the Press Speech.
Freedom of the Press
. .the liberty of the Press is called the Palladium of
Freedom, which means, in these days, the liberty
of being deceived, swindled, and humbugged by
the Press and paying hugely for the deception.
-From Author's Sketch Book
Freedom
It is by the goodness of God that in our country
we have those three unspeakably precious
things: of speech, freedom of speech, freedom of
conscience and the prudence never to practice
either. -Following the Equator
Citizenship
. . .every citizen of the republic ought to consider
himself an unofficial policeman, and keep
unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their
execution. -Traveling With a Reformer
Citizenship should be placed above everything
else, even learning. Is there in any college of the
land a chair of citizenship where good citizenship
and all that it implies is taught? There is not
one--that is, not one where sane citizenship is
taught. There are some which teach insane
citizenship, bastard citizenship, but that is all.
-Speech, May 14, 1908
Imperialism
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having
the eagle put its talons on any other land. -quoted
in A Pen Warmed Up in Hell
Congress
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a
Congressman can. -What is Man?
. . .the smallest minds and the selfishest souls
and the cowardliest hearts that God makes.
-Letter, 1891
I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing
my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was
nothing but a low, mean, premature,
Congressman. -Foster's Case New York Tribune,
March 10, 1873
Ladies, Gentelmen, Boys, and Girls:
My name is Susy Clemens. You may not know me, but my
Papa is Mark Twain. That is his pen name. His real name is
Samuel Langhorne Clemens. We are a very happy family.
We consist of Papa, Mamma, Jean, Clara, and me. Papa
has beautiful gray hair, not any too thick or any too long,
but just right; a Roman nose, kind blue eyes, and a
mustache. In short, he is an extraordinarily fine looking man.
He has got a temper, but we all of us have in this family.
Papa’s favorite game is billiards, and when he is tired and
wishes to rest himself, he stays up all night and plays
billiards, it seems to rest his head. He always walks up and
down the room while thinking and between each coarse at
meals. Papa likes cats; Mamma likes the truth. We had a
dear little kitten once that Papa named Lazy and he would
carry Lazy around on his shoulder; it was a mighty pretty
sight!--the gray cat against Papa’s gray coat and hair. The
names he has given our different cats are really remarkably
funny. They are namely Stray Kit, Abner, Motley, Fraulein,
Lazy, Buffalo Bill, Soapy Sall, Cleveland, Sour Mash, and
Pestilence and Famine. Papa uses very strong language,
but I have an idea not nearly so strong as when he first
married Mamma. He doesn’t like to go to church as much as
Mamma. He told us the other day that he couldn’t stand to
hear any one talk but himself, but that he could listen to
himself talk for hours without getting tired, of course, he
said this as a joke, but I have no doubt it was founded on
the truth.
-Suzy Clemens
| An American loves his family. If he has any love left over for any other person, he generally choses Mark Twain. -Thomas A. Edison |